I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
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Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I’m having an out of money experience.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.