Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Ape together strong
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities