Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
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me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out