I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
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People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
This why you should mind your business