HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
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Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?