Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.