Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
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If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
okay run it by me one more time
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy