[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
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if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Happy birthday to all the women
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes