Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
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the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still