I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
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Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit