Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
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Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
And bowling should be called pinball
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread