One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
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[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
But wait…
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology