the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
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Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Great Canadian literature.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Sending in my taxes
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Happy Friday