If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
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*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I miss this era type of pranks😭
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Have a lovely day 😊
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.