i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
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I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.