Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
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how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.