Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
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“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”