“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
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OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos