People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
You Might Also Like
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Cop: Is there a reason why you鈥檙e going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won鈥檛 work unless you go 88mph!
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Weighing up my bread heating options
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Damn even I didn鈥檛 expect him to lift up the pizza lol
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there鈥檚 actually an extra woman鈥檚 bathroom inside…
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Bryan Adams: 馃幍 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 馃幍
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
You鈥檙e telling me I鈥檓 paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I鈥檓 feeling sick
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
the battle rages on
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you鈥檙e asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it鈥檚 because my dad banged my mom
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
A geneticist鈥檚 refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer