Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
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[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I need to update my racial profile.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.