You Might Also Like
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
live, laugh, laundry.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”