Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
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Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
This is why I hate group projects
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes