please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.