I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0