Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
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I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.