I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol