Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
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Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Good boy 😂😂
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Every time.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free