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Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?