“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
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babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.