My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
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The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it