Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
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We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
mariah carrie
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
ok like just. call me at this point
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby