Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.