I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
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Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..