When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
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*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart