Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
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Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house