You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
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Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
did it work
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.