the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
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Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*