Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
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Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.