there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
respect
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.