*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
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Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Nothing.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.