I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
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Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.