If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
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When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?