Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
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Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.