For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
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Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?