Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
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“Why you watching this shit?”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera