Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
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[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I’m confused about plants
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.