How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
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*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made