[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
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A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My first son he is wonderful
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.