James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
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I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping