When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
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“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.